i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
