She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
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I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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