Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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