i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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