We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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