turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
