It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
