A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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