if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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