bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
