I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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