So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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