she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
