You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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