A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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