remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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