Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"