The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
