hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
