I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
