I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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