My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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