Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
