I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
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