Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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