I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
