I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
