I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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