apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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