i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
