Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
