I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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