I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
