I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
