What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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