Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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