You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
