the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
