I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
