chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
How does one acquire holy water?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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