If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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