I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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