Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
