she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
