Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
