my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
