I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
