he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
