my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
