So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
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Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
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Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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