i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
