I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
