I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
