Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
your room smells of hookers.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just found puke in my bra..
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid