I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
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She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
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1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.