if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?