I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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