I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
