Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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