I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
