She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
