haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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